It Hurts
by United States of Awesomness
Summary: America smiled and laughed it off like he always did, it wasn't easy but he had lots of practice. Every meeting was the same, whether it be intentional or not, every nation manages to insult him one way or another. (Trigger Warning: Self-Harm)
_You daft git, will you stop bringing food to the meetings! It's not civil at all!_

 _Where is my money, aru? Do you know how much you owe me?_

 _Could you be anymore childish? Try being serious for once._

 _Ve~ Let's stop this boring meeting and go get some PASTA~ It's not like we are going to get anything done with America doing nothing._

 _If you do not stop eating like that you will become fat and disgusting unlike mio._

 _I'm glad I am no longer a superpower, you seem to have a lot of work. Not that you will do it any time soon, da?_

America smiled and laughed it off like he always did, it wasn't easy but he had lots of practice. Every meeting was the same, whether it be intentional or not, every nation manages to insult him one way or another.

"Fat ass," America heard someone grumble. His smile faded for just a moment before coming back full force.

"Al, are you ok?" Canada asked, leaning closer to his brother so he could hear over the bickering nations.

America faltered slightly at the question, a little surprised that his brother actually noticed anything _,_ "What makes you think something's wrong?"

Canada shrugged, "You just seem a bit off, is all."

America smiled again and wrapped a sturdy arm around his brother, "I'm totally fine, Mattie, don't you worry about the hero!"

Canada nodded and looked at his brother for a moment, "Why don't you stop them from insulting you?"

America thought for a moment of how to answer without telling the truth, "It's not like they mean any of it, no one would dare be so mean to someone as awesome as me!." He said WIth a wide grin that looked suspiciously forced _._

America glanced at Germany who was currently a lit fuse, America studied his posture for a moment before covering his brother's ears.

"WILL YOU DUMMKOPFS SHUT SHUT UP SO WE CAN GET ON WITH THE MEETING!" Everyone lowered their heads shamefully and sat down.

Canada gave a silent 'that you' to his brother for saving his ears and the meeting continued like normal.

* * *

Canada and America walked to their shared hotel room while America went on about something that Canada didn't bother to listen to.

"I'm going to take a shower, 'kay bro?" Canada nodded and watched as America grabbed something out of his bag and walk into the bathroom.

Once America entered the bathroom and locked the door, his smile dropped and he sighed. He turned on the water and stood in front of the mirror waiting for the water to heat up. He shrugged off his jacket and inspected the scars on his left arm.

He pressed the knife from his bag against his wrist and muttered quietly to himself, "England said I'm an idiot and uncivil." He said making two cuts, maintaining a straight face he positioned the knife again, "China nagged me about my debt," _cut_ "Germany called me childish," _cut_ "Italy said I couldn't focus the meeting," _cut_ "France called me fat and disgusting," _cut cut_ "Russia said I neglect my work," _cut_ "And someone called me fatass." _cut_

America sighed and clean the knife in the sink. He set it down and jumped when he heard a knock on the door. "I'm going to hang out with Gilbert, okay?" Canada said through the door.

"Okay! Have fun bro! And remember, use a condom!" He yelled teasingly through the door. He heard footsteps walk away from the door and the front door opened then closed. America sighed again and stepped into the shower, wincing when the hot water ran over his fresh cuts.

* * *

"I can't believe we have to sit around and do nothing for three whole days! I could be playing my new game with Tony!" America complained while walking to the meeting with his twin.

"It's only three days, Al. Your game can wait. And we don't do nothing, we talk about important global matters."

"But it's boring!" America exclaimed, biting his lip slightly when he saw the meeting room door. Taking a deep breath he put on his thousand watt smile and braced himself for the onslaught of insults.

 _Bloody hell, how do you manage to be late to every meeting? How daft are you?_

 _You tourist are causing trouble, aru. They're all just like you, annoying._

 _Ve~ Where are your burgers, you normally have some every meeting. Did you gain some?_

 _You are presenting today, you_ do _have a presentation ready right? I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't._

America inwardly flinched but kept up his facade, simply watching and laughing as England and France began to brawl. He wished the two wouldn't fight, they do it so often it's become a regular thing. It's always annoying and more often than not America ends up slipping an aspirin into his mouth before the end of the meeting.

"Alright!" Germany yelled, getting everyone's attention, "We are starting the meeting, everyone sit down,"

The meeting went on how he expected it to, everyone presenting their information and ideas and at least one person criticizing him every time he opened his mouth. By the end of the meeting he was just tired and all he really wanted to do was go back to his hotel room, maybe find a minute or two of relief in the bathroom before going to bed.

"Aren't you hungry?" Canada asked as he walked up to his brother, "You didn't eat all day."

"Nah, I dunno, I just don't feel too hungry." America replied with a shrug.

Canada paused for a moment, "If this is about England calling you fat, it's not true."

America's smile dropped just a fraction and looked away, not wanting to stare into his brother's calculating eyes, "I know," He said honestly.

"Then let's get something to eat, my treat." Canada persuaded.

America sighed, "Alright," The two walked to the local McDonald's where America ordered _one_ big mac.

"Are you sure you're feeling alright?" Canada asked, eyeing his _one_ burger. Normally he would order twenty at least.

"Like I said, just don't feel too hungry." America replied. He found himself lowering his guard around his brother more and more. He knew that he shouldn't let anyone know he was hurting but it was becoming harder and harder to keep up his facade around his brother, especially after the particularly tiring meeting.

"I knew I'd find you here, fatass." The last part was mumbled under said person's breath. America turned towards the door seeing England walk over to him.

"What's up, Iggy!" America said, plastering a huge smile on his face.

"Don't call me that, git!" He growled, pulling something out of his bag, he handed it to America. It was a brown, leather bound notebook, and the moment America's eyes landed on it, he snatched it away. "You left it at the meeting." England explained.

"Um..." America stared at the notebook and rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, "You didn't read it did you?"

England raised a brow, "Why, is it your diary or something?"

"Or something," America replied in a tone that clearly said, _don't ask again._

"No, I didn't read it. I only looked at the inside cover to look for a name." He said.

America opened the notebook and looked at the inside cover where his name was written in surprising neat handwriting. _Property of Alfred F. Jones._

America released a small sigh of relief, "Thanks,"

England blushed slightly, "Whatever git." Then he walked out, leaving America and Canada alone once again.

"So what is that notebook?" Canada asked his brother.

"Nothing, just a way to keep my head." He said, stuffing it into his bag.

"So it is a diary." Canada said bluntly.

"Or something." They ate the rest of their meal in silence.

* * *

 _One more day and I can go home. One more day and it ends for another month. One more day..._ Those words repeated themselves in his head over and over again as he walked to the meeting alone. Canada had gotten picked up by Prussia earlier and America didn't fail to send a discreet a bone chilling glare in the Prussian's direction. Just because he wasn't feeling well doesn't mean he would neglect his brotherly duties of scaring the shit out of any and all boyfriends.

Absentmindedly putting his left hand on the door handle, he winced, feeling the fresh cuts on his arm. After spending the night with his brother, he didn't have time to write in his notebook before collapsing into his bed. So instead, he did it this morning.

His right hand ghosted over his injured arm for a moment before he switched hands and opened the meeting room door.

"Can't you ever be on time? Why are you always late?" England asked.

 _Because I lost track of time finding my release,_ "Sorry Igs, there was a _long_ line at McDonalds." America said with his ever so bright smile.

England only scowled, "We're waiting on you git, you have to finish your presentation from yesterday."

"Oh! Right!" He walked to the front of the table and said the first thing that popped out of his head, "Ok! So I was thinking that Japan could create a giant superhero that could use it's awesome hero powers to reflect the rays of the sun so that the earth doesn't heat up and explode!" He said in one breath.

"America, when will you stop with your stupid ideas? Are you really that much of a dumb ass?" England asked.

America flinched, England had never, _never_ , called him that. Sure others had, but England had never. England was better than the others in America's eyes. But they were all the same, _he_ was just the same. America dropped his head, everyone went silent at the pained look on his face.

"You know what? I give up. The real notes are in my bag if you need to see them so badly. I'm out of here." He said monotonous. He then proceeded to walk out of the room, leaving his bag behind. Even when he was gone, no one moved, no one breathed.

Everyone was equally confused and England found himself slowly walking over to America's seat and retrieving his bag. He dug through it until he found a small stack of papers labeled HEROS. His brows furrowed as he read it outloud.

" _H.E.R.O.S. Hyper Electronic Radio Ozone Shield. Scientists have developed a literal 'force field' that reflects some of the sun's rays back into space before it enters our atmosphere. Due to insufficient funds, only small shields have been tested so far. Many loans have been taken from China and are currently unpaid due to all money going to further study of HEROS. HEROS is a temporary fix for Global Warming, it will give us more time to fix our atmosphere before worst comes to worst. Studies have shown that if the temperature of the earth rises to an average of at least 100 degrees in most places then the core of the earth will expand exponentially, causing the earth to explode. Note: Ask Japan for financial help and scientific advice._ "

England finished jaw-slacked, eyes wide, much like the rest of the nations in the room. That report had covered America said in his own dumbed down version, _Japan's help, Hero, reflect the rays of the sun, the earth exploding,_ the presentation America gave wasn't blasphemy after all. Suddenly, England's eye caught on something else in America's bag.

It was that same leather bound notebook from before, the one America seemed to have clung onto for dear life. Well... He said it wasn't a diary right? So that means it'd be morally okay to look through it right? Hesitantly, England pulled the book out of America's bag and flipped to the first page with words on it. The more he read, the paler her became.

 _..._

 _They don't need to know that I'm hurting, it'll only make them feel bad. I'm the hero right, I'm not supposed to protect them from things like that._

 _..._

 _I found out that writing down what they say kinda makes it feel better, so here it goes._

...

What followed was pages upon pages of insults directed towards America, at the end of the insult would be the name of the nation that said it. England winced every time he saw his name, and boy did he see his name a lot. England flipped the page once more, his blood running cold at the sight.

 _It Hurts,_ was written in big letters that filled up a whole page... it was written in blood. England dropped the notebook and stood there trembling slightly.

"Isn't that his diary?" Canada asked fearfully, wondering what would make the Brit react in such a way.

England swallowed, "It's not a diary." He said slowly, dropping the notebook onto the table as if it were about to bite him. Canada picked it up and began reading, progressively growing paler the more he read, occasionally speaking aloud so everyone knew what they had done.

"All of the insults after the bloody page have a dot of blood next to them." Canada whispered, it was even quieter than normal. Almost as if he felt if he spoke too loud some fragile substance would break. Perhaps he believed that fragile substance was America.

Everyone was frozen to their spot. Nobody moved, nobody spoke, nobody breathed. "Wait," England said, "What did he mean 'I give up.'?" He said delicately. It took a moment for everyone to understand.

"No..." Canada breathed, "He wouldn't really do that... Would he?" All of the nations ran out of the room, in search of the distressed American. They could only hope and pray that America didn't find the one way to kill a nation.

* * *

 **Hi! I hope you liked this as much as I liked writing it! This is sort of an insert your own ending fic since I leave most of my works on a cliffhanger so enjoy that. Don't forget to review and tell me what you think! Even if you're reading this years after it was posted or all you want to say is 'That was good' because I love reviews! Anyway, byyyeeeee!**

 **~US of Awesomness**


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